November

It's been a month. Things fizzled out really quickly with Russ...hard to imagine since we had limited time to see each other. I work quickly. Seriously, what is my problem? Since then I have been lined up three times.

• Number 1...the magician. The magician is in the neighboring ward and knows a good friend of mine. He has two girls, 11 and 9 and a boy, 6. Perfect situation on paper. I would really love something like that. The first night he called me, we talked for about 15 minutes. During that time, I learned all about his divorce. 12 years of marriage and then his wife left him after multiple affairs...all with women. During our conversation, I was on facebook and chatting with my brother over in India. In his opinion, I should run while I could still see. If his wife left him for a woman...and he was completely unaware, there were problems too big for me. We went out. He was nice. I thought a little feminine. Aside from a few text message conversations, I haven't heard from him.
• Number 2...my mom's pick. This one, for me, holds the most promise. And, I think it is because my mom picked him out. She is head over heels in love with him. Each time we have talked about him on the phone, she says over and over, "He is just so strong!" After being completely taken by my dad's material and hearing my parents needed extra help with their yard, he offered to do side work for him on his time off his other job. He has done that for awhile. On the 11th of this month, all my siblings went home for the day to pay tribute to my dad who was giving a BYU devotional address, marking the beginning of his retirement. My mom strategically arranged for him to pick me up from the airport so we could drive the way down to Provo together...and see if we were suited for marriage. I love my mom. It was a good time. He is young and open....refreshing. We talk. He will come down this next weekend for my company's annual Gala. My dad will be honored at the event and will give a seminar so it promises to be a great time.
• Number 3...the police officer. Not a match. I was even laughing aloud at lunch. I told him that it was very odd that I was on a date with a police officer as I had always had an issue with authority. We had talked on the phone prior to meeting but at lunch he asked me again what kind of law I had practiced. When I said "criminal defense," he said, "I thought that is what you told me on the phone but then I convinced myself I must have heard wrong because surely you must sleep at night. During the conversation, I learned he had 4 boys and that he believed in "capital punishment." "I think it is fine to spank my boys," he explained. I didn't correct him. We went out the day after Thanksgiving and he had been in line that morning at 3:30 am waiting to get an automatic weapon. There were only four left...and the stores would no longer be selling them. He was elated because he was 2nd in line and he got his gun. I felt badly for lying at the end of the date. When he asked me if he could call, I smiled and said yes. I guess I wasn't lying...he could call...but I am sure that I won't be seeing him again.

In the meantime, aside from these blind dates, I have been seeing two guys. One was a set up from last month and one I met while coaching Charlie's soccer team. The first is nice. Solid and good. He is my age and we will see. The second is also nice. I don't know yet how committed either one is to living the gospel. The second has been married before and has two darling boys. I love his boys. One of his boys was on my soccer team. The other is three and such a sweetheart. His biggest drawback is his ex wife. She is nasty. She is also determined to obtain every penny he ever earns. Difficult.

So, it is not as if I don't have options. I really wonder if something is not fundamentally wrong with me. The other day, my boss called me into his office. In all seriousness, he asked me, "Do any of your other siblings have your disease?" "What do you mean," I asked. "I have never seen anything like it," he explained, "you are so hot-cold. You will meet someone and be convinced he is "the one" and then days later, you can't even remember his last name...sometimes even his first."

His observations are absolutely correct. I am not oblivious to this pattern. I don't know the answer. I am trying to figure it out. I don't want this to continue. I do want to get married.

Unexpected...

Many times, I wonder if I should just be content to be single...and stop trying to be something else. Things ended with Drew. Although I am very happy that I was able to understand his point of view about "Butterflies," and grateful to understand a part of me that I need to change, I have realized that things are not right between Drew and I. There was no big break up...nothing dramatic. I just asked him if we could slow things down a bit and see other people. He had wanted the opposite and was feeling like I didn't give him enough...that he was my last thought at the end of the day. At the time we had this conversation, I had just finished an unusally stressful week and knew that I couldn't offer him anything more than I already was. I felt relief that I no longer had to disappoint him.

I started seeing someone shortly after....we'll call him Rob. He recently started working for the nonprofit company where I have been working this past year. Interestingly, he went to high school with my younger sister and I went to school with his older brother. He is two years younger than me. Ironically, over a year ago, my sister mentioned that her high school buddy was still single and wondered if I would be open to a blind date. I was but Rob was living in Arizona and I was temporarily in Utah and, for whatever reason, the date was never arranged. About two months ago, Rob showed up to work. I recognized his last name and he resembled his brother. We have gone out a few times....and I have enjoyed myself thoroughly. I am completely attracted to him...his mind...and the way and care he thinks about things...he allows me to think about things in a completely new way. I love being around him. He works out in the wilderness the majority of the time. It is a perfect arrangement for me because so often I get so wrapped up so quickly that I fail to see things clearly and I easily lose myself in the whirlwind.

I will keep posting but please Jane, Mercedes and Jill....tell me about your life. Jane, any word on the job front? How about you, Mercedes? Jill, I would love to get to know you better.

Butterflies

I am embarrassed to be writing this. Embarrassed that I have been so wrong. I must thank Jane for inspiring me to rethink things. She wondered if I had not been guilty of jumping to conclusions too quickly.

After the car episode, Drew and I didn't speak for about five days. During this time, I found myself really missing him...craving to be with him. I tried to suffocate these feelings because logically, I didn't want to be with someone who was so reluctant to help me in need! On one of these days, I spoke with Jane. She wondered if perhaps I wasn't been a little too harsh...if maybe I had seen things from a skewed perspective. I couldn't believe she was questioning my judgement! I thought about this a lot. The following day, I was to teach Sunday School to my 16 year olds and Relief Society. Since I usually don't teach people my age, I was a little more nervous than normal. Because it was also Fast Sunday, I tried with extra effort to have the Spirit guide me, calm me and inspire me to know His Will. Throughout my morning, I had the impression multiple times, "Talk to Drew".

Druing one of the breaks in the hallway, I ran into Drew. I only felt excitement to see him. I gave him a hug which nearly knocked him over. He really wasn't expecting such a greeting from me....and I understood why. It really hadn't ended prettily. After he caught his breath, I asked him if we could talk. He said yes.

Later that afternoon, we talked....and I learned. I learned, with dismay and embarrassment, that my long exposure to the Mid-singles group has infected me...in a negative way. In my experiences, I have had many conversations with men in their 30s. When we talk frankly about dating, I have asked them point blank why it is they don't ask women out. Why has dating come to a screeching halt in our midsingles world? They have expressed a fear of rejection but they have also expressed contempt and resentment for having to be the one to foot the bill during the "getting -to-know-eachother" period of time. During some conversations, we have talked specifically about how long that period of time lasts. Regardless, due to these types of conversations, I have tried to be very sensitive to men I go out with...and always offer to pay.

So....my first date with Drew. We took Charlie to the batting cages. Drew took out his wallet to pay. I remember it clearly...I pushed his hand away and said, "Oh, don't think that I expect you to pay for this." In his poor mind (as he explained to me), he thought, "Whoa...a lot has changed during the 25 years I was married. I am dealing with a completely different type of woman." So for the few weeks that we hung out, Drew was walking around me as if on egg shells...not wanting to upset this uber-independent woman of the new century. And here I was wondering why this giving and loving man did not take pleasure in taking care of his damsel...especially when she was in distress.

As we talked, I realized with horror my complete folly! What an idiot Lola is! I wonder how many other relationships I have sabbotoged so completely and unknowingly!

I was so grateful that Drew was open to forgive me and forget my poor behavior. In fact, he has labeled the whole experience "Butterflies". If I refer to it, he quickly interjects, "Oh, you mean Butterflies?"

Critical Thinking Skills

I was going to title this, "Critical Thinking Skills --Essential for the Dating Process", but as my life illustrates, if you use critical thinking skills you frequently end up with NO dating process at all. As the two readers of our blog will know, Lola and I expressed a difference in perspective this last month. Lola feels (rightly) that we need to accept each other's quirks and differences in order to date and find good people. I feel that you should carefully evaluate before you start into a relationship and make sure you know what you are getting into. There is a middle ground here, but she and I haven't found it yet. Theoretically we can agree it's there, but in practicality, it's....not there.

So I thought I would present my side, with an example from my life. I just spent three years in graduate school in a city that has few members of the church. In three years I did not meet one man in the church who was between 30 and 45, and single. Not a single one. Not ONE. If any single men did appear, they were snatched up by the women who grew up in that area and had connections (like brothers) who hooked them up, and by the time I knew someone had moved into the stake he was already engaged/ married. It was bizarre. My dating choices were limited to things like the director of my program, who hit on me in my first interview with him. So I didn't date.

Anyway, I complained about this to a friend of mine. She and her husband grew up in the area, and they knew a guy they wanted to set me up with. Great. The night we are to meet up, I'm nervous because I'm meeting a man who is a member, and I want to make a good impression because I really know how rare that is, so I dress very carefully. The four of us meet up at my friends' house. Let me give you a first impression of "Dave". Dave is my age, 34. He is shorter than I am (not a problem), a fair bit overweight (it's OK), and has a lot of facial hair (not OK, but fixable). His clothes, again, are fixable. I'm no fashion model and grad school and moving past the age of 30 means that I'm not exactly on top of my game either. So I look past all this and see how good he is with my friend's little boy. I put a tick on the positive side of the column, and settle in to extract as much information as I possibly can about him.

I find out that he thinks school is not very valuable, and too hard to stick with (this to a grad student doing two degrees simultaneously), so he gave up on his undergraduate degree. He hates his job but it's easy, so he has no intention of doing something he likes that might require effort. One thing he does like is to go play paintball.

He also likes to cook. I like to cook too, so I ask him about it and then (as he goes on and on about how he once tried the medieval dish of stuffing a turkey with a chicken, stuffed with a duck) realize I would prefer to marry a man who does not cook, but merely eats what I put in front of him and is amazed that I can make so many things. But this is an aside.

Next we find out that he doesn't attend church, and hasn't for the past three years or so. I maneuver my friend into the kitchen and hiss in her ear, "I thought you told me he was a member!" She insists that he is. I insist he isn't and then drop it and return to the living room. All I can say is three years of non-attendance = no tithes, no temple recommend, no calling....and I'd like to say that this to me means, choosing not to be a member. We still disagree over my definition but I know I'm right.

The evening moves on, and he makes it clear he thinks I'm very attractive by staring at me like a lovestruck puppy. I restrain the urge to kick him. We play cards. He cheats. We play a board game he brought. He sets it up so that he wins. I leave. As the door closes behind me, he says to our mutual friends, "I guess I didn't make a very good impression."

No, Dave. You didn't. Does that surprise you?

So here is what my critical assessment of the situation is. Yes, I could have dated this guy, telling myself that maybe I could coerce him into getting his act together. If I had done that, I would have wound up exactly nowhere. This is a person who thinks that things that are hard are not worth doing, and so he has given up on living by the church standards. Marriage is hard--extremely hard, from what I've observed--so why would he want to put in the work, when he won't work hard in any area of his life? And cheating at cards. What does that say about a person's mentality? I chose not to date him, because I saw these things as red flags. Maybe one day he'll meet a woman who will see them as quirks and get past them to know the nice person I am sure he is, and value that. I'm sure she'll think that I am a fool.

Click and Clack

My car broke down last night. I have always been taught that I should be grateful for my trials. Today is the first time I feel overwhelmed with gratitude for my mishap, as stressed out as the logistical nightmare made me. My blessed car's failure was the catalyst to me ending things with Drew. And...it ended as abruptly as it began.


Peter and I were on a mission last night to find the last remaining piece to a Batman collection given out in McDonalds Happy Meals. I am morally against McDonalds food (except for their ice cream) and Peter has no taste for it. We never go there to purchase food but rather to collect their $1.50 toys. These toys are much sturdier than other cheap toys and with the whole collection, little boys can have hours of fun together. We were on a quest for the Joker's helicopter. Sadly, at each McDonalds we were greeted with the disappointing news that the Batman collection was history...there were no helicopters...they had moved on to the Robotics collection. Too bad.

While we were driving around, however, I noticed that my car was having increasing difficulty. It was as if gas was not getting to it although I was flooring it. Finally, it died. From a parking lot, I called Drew. Of course! Drew! He is a car genius. Owner of a tow truck and in the repo and auction business, Drew claims that he can fix any problem in any car. I gave Drew a jingle. "So," he asks, "what are you going to do? Are you going to call a tow truck?" Now...a little background. Drew and I have been getting fairly serious. We have seen each other every day. He usually comes over in the evening and I make a dinner, send him home with freshly baked bread, etc. When I went to Utah with my sister's, I was so excited to bring him home some clothes I had found for him at the outlet stores. He has been talking to me about wanting to get married, how many children I want...the works!

When I am into someone, my days are spent trying to think of ways I could make his life better....how I could serve him. That is why I was speechless when he asked me if I was going to call a tow truck...with no offer of coming to help his damsel in distress! Who was this guy?

He then said, "Do you have a shop you could take it to tomorrow?" Again, aghast. I finally asked him if he would be willing to take a look at it. He hesitated and then said, "Well, then it is as if I am married to your car. I mean everytime you have a problem with it, you will call me!" It was at that moment that the thought of kissing him...a thought I used to love...repusled me to the core. Who was this person? Why would I consider spending another minute with him?

I went to bed instantly last night. I didn't even want to think about the situation. My car problems worried me...but, I was crushed about Drew. Let down. Why am I such an idiot? When I finally got my car to the shop after pushing it through an intersection and arranging for a tow truck, I was relieved and grateful. I am glad I didn't expend any more energy on this guy....grateful that my car gave me this hassle now...instead of four months down the road! Why am I such an idiot? Do I ever learn?

A calming effect

Things are going well with Drew. We get along well and have a lot of the same interests. We have felt comfortable with each other from the beginning and seem to be able to be completely ourselves... open and honest. We have been spending a lot of time together. Knowing of my history to fall hard and quickly, a few days ago, I became concerned that I might be moving ahead in blindness. Knowing of my extremely monogamous nature, I became worried that becoming exclusive, combined with my nature to jump in so completley might prevent me from being open to other possible relationships. I am looking only for one person...but, I worry so much about making sure that decision is the right one. It is clear to me that the person I marry will determine everything about the rest of my life.

Almost in answer to my desire to ease this concern, one night this week Drew was doing something with his 14 year old daughter. The only other guy for whom I have developed any interest called me in the evening and wanted to drop by. (I'll call him Brad) Brad is getting his PhD in Economics and has a deep conviction of the gospel. He is a good man, it is clear. He recently began his PhD program at ASU and has been overwhelmed with homework and school responsibilities. I haven't seen Brad in awhile but he came over and we visited for about an hour. We had a good talk and again I was impressed by his goodness. The following evening, again, Drew was doing something with his daughter. Brad called and we went downtown with Peter to an art fair. We had a good time. He is good, interesting, fun and attractive. At the end of the night, however, I found myself missing Drew.

Unfortunately, I have lived a little too much of life. Now with a child, dealing with a co-parent and the other pressures and responsibilities that a working mother feels, I seek for companionship from one who has the ability to comprehend. I feel that Drew offers the mature outlook on life that one who has had simpler lessons in life has difficulty understanding. As I continue to pray that I will be led to the right decision, I know that I am receiving that direction.

I was going to respond to Jane's post. Instead I think I will include this here. Awhile ago, I was set up with a man, over 40. Many people in my life know him intimately well. He is the oldest boy of 14 children. His father left the church when he was about 18 and he had to take over as the father. Many people suspect that this is the reason he is still single...he has had to devote too much time and emotion to his parents' family that he hasn't been able to begin his own. I don't know.

The family members and friends of mine that know him think he is the greatest thing since sliced bread. He plays a significant part in the Nauvoo pageant for the church and is just phenomenal. I was excited when a dear friend of mine set us up. We began emailing and those daily emails were extremely enjoyable.

Knowing this man well, another close friend called me. He said this, "Lola, there is no better man out there than this guy. However, he is 40 and because of that, he has developed and cultivated behaviors and habits and idiosyncrasies that may not be attractive. They might even be considered 'red flags.' My advice to you, Lola," he kindly said, "is this: At this age, you are going to meet people that fall into this category...ones with 'red flags' . As you get to know these men, I want you to let three 'red flags' (or things that would normally turn you completely off) to go by...almost unnoticed. Don't let them affect you as you get to know them." Basically, he advised, continue on the path of discovery without running away at the first unsavory piece of information. I think this is great advice for those of us at this age. The guys we meet are going to do and say things that are completely outrageous...and may even provide us with sufficient justification to keep on looking. However, I do think that if we do that, we will be missing out at uncovering the amazing qualities that lie beneath those awkward and more visible "turn-offs". When I think about the great married people I know...they got to know each other gradually and because of true love, they are able to overlook the idiosyncrasies and personality traits that develop naturally with life. Given our age, we are going to meet people who have already developed themselves a little, the good and the bad. If we want to end up happy and in love and be seen for who we really are, I think we have to pray to have a discerning and forgiving mind as we meet and get to know these older men.

Since receiving that advice, I have really tried to follow it...with him and other men. This guy, Drew...the one I have mentioned in an earlier blog is a perfect example of this. Luckily, he has been completely honest about his shortcomings so I haven't felt like a genius detective upon their discovery. Some of them, I am sure, could be seen as sufficiently unsavory to stop the learning process. But, as I continue to get to know him, I am getting to know such an amazing individual! He is darling and good! I am so grateful for that perfect piece of advice!

Falling OUT OF Love

Hey there bloggers, I'm Mercedes. For those of you who don’t know me, my life can be very comical but yet depressing at times and hopefully you can’t relate. I love to ramble and to avoid rambling my goal is to keep my posts within about 10-15 minutes by the time I am done deleting, rewriting, and removing all the cuss words in an effort to keep this clean!!!!

What can I tell you about me….I am a single, LDS female who is divorced with two children. My oldest child is a girl and my youngest child is a boy. I work full-time as the internal audit manager for a privately held company. I’ve picked up some business operations responsibilities and plan to shift into that full time very soon. In addition, I run an internet company I started last year. I’m dying to sit in the sun and do nothing but so far that doesn’t look promising. I enjoy being with my kids as we attempt to cook something or play at the park. I like to shop, read, work out, snowboard, wakeboard, hike, and be with family and friends.

I don’t really know where to start so I guess I will go with the thoughts I’ve had today. How do I explain my relationship with this guy I like a lot? I think I’m in love with him (maybe just a big crush). I have thoughts of him day and night; want to be with him all the time. Yes, I even imagine him kissing me passionately like he did last time I saw him. For this post, and posts here after, I will call him Mort. He lives two states away so it really isn’t possible to see him, which is probably a good thing to be honest. We both concluded we don’t think long distances relationships work so we just carry about our lives day by day. I hate having these feelings. How could a guy possible have this kind of crazy hold over my thoughts? So here is the big question…How do I fall out of love with him and still be friends? Is that possible? I can’t even keep Mort’s phone number in my phone because I don’t want to text or call him. On the other hand, if he sends me a text or calls I get all giddy and act as if I’ve died and gone to heaven. Honestly, my goal is to get a grip with my emotions, especially when I have PMS because it seems to magnify itself. Oh well, I guess that goes along with being a female, I will try to embrace it this week! Oh yeah...he called tonight and yes I'm on cloud nine!

The SF Mid-Single Adult Conference Report

Let me first begin this post with a small introduction of myself. I'm a 36 year old (going to be 37 next week), single--never been married, active LDS female. I live outside a college town of about 52,000 and in a stake that doesn't have a mid-singles program and needs one. There is a single adult program that is in my opinion, struggling to get going, and is unfortunately made up of adults that are well into their late 50's and beyond. I'm attending my home ward that I grew up in and I am back here working on my business from home. I taught early morning seminary last year, but as my business is getting busier during those wee-hours of the morning, I was re-assigned into the primary, where I teach five of the most wiggly, loud--yet can be sweet, 11 year old boys each Sunday. This sums up the social interaction at best in my life currently.

OK, so now you know why I made the trip down to San Francisco for a chance of social interaction with people that hopefully are in my age category (31-45). I used to live in the Bay Area, so even if the conference was horrible, I was staying with my best friend and we could always leave and hang out somewhere else.

They really stretched the days for this conference. It actually unofficially began on Thursday evening with a session at the Oakland Temple and ice cream after. I had just gotten into town earlier that day, so I didn't go to this part. On Friday, the festivities officially began on the 4th floor of the Sony Metreon. My best friend (who is also my age and is a single, active LDS female) came with me and we made our way into the "dance area". Although we didn't show up until after 8:30 pm (not wanting to be the welcoming committee at 7 pm), there was only a hand full of folks there. We walked around, staying far away from the dance floor, and people watched for awhile. Finally we got word that they were passing out times for the Speed Dating event and found that the earliest time was 9:30 pm. We got our tickets and waited. At 9:30 pm, we and 100 other women lined up and sat in our chairs waiting for the men to fill in the seats across from us. The attendance for this was starting to look better, as at least 50 chairs for each gender filled up. Being that this was only my second speed dating experience, I don't have much to compare it with. My first time was back in May at a mid-single adult conference in Seattle and that was much smaller and the participants, shall we say, were a bit strange.

The first guy I talked with I actually had about 10 minutes with, since they were still getting things together before it began and I recognized him from the Seattle conference. After him, I don't remember too much, because we were literally given 60 seconds to chat and the only information that you can get in such a short amount of time is..."Hi, I'm so-and-so, where are you from? What do you do?" and then it was time to switch. The one good thing about only having 60 seconds to chat is that it only takes me about 15 seconds to weed out the guys that were really strange or let's just say not really interested in my gender (which I can't figure out why they were wasting my minute). One guy sat down across from me and pulls his chair as close to me, so our knees were smashed together and he leaned in and tried to talk to me about 3 inches from my face--that one minute was the longest ever. Just a thought guys--don't invade a girl's personal space in just meeting her, it might not be welcomed. After about 45 minutes and no end in sight to the line of guys, my friend and I had to leave (she had to work at 11 pm and she was my ride home to Oakland). I thought overall it was kind of fun, but useless as to actually talking and getting to know new people.

The next day, there were activities at Crissy Field (Sumo wrestling, Boci Ball, Volleyball, Soccer, Frisbee, etc.) During this time, I actually ran into many people I knew from my old ward in Palo Alto and spent time catching up with them. I also met a few new people during the lunch time and during some of the games. Again, it seemed like conversations were short and it was difficult to get to know new people. Keep in mind, I went to this conference with no expectations, other than to get out of my comfort zone, be more social and meet new people.

The evening activity was a cruise around the bay, with a three-level boat. The bottom level was a dance floor and for the first time in at least 10 years, I actually found myself participating. Since I did know people already, it made it easy to hang out on the dance floor with them. I can't imagine how it would have been, not knowing anyone, because loud music and a dark room isn't conducive to meeting and talking with someone new. I went up to the second level, where it was freezing cold, windy and apparently filled with people who just happened to find each other and as I looked around, I realized that many had "paired off". Needless to say, I didn't stay on this level too long, as I felt I was intruding on many couples "romantic moments". I ventured up to the top level and found that it had less people, no groups and couples huddled together in "deep conversations". So back down to the first floor I went. After getting an hour and a half dance workout in, I was pretty much ready to leave. That's the problem with being stuck on a boat (that left an hour late and was still giving us the "three hour tour"), you can't leave. So I made a few more rounds, chit-chatted with folks I knew, called my friend who had to work again and then it happened...some idiot set his (or her, but probably a guy) beverage glass on a shelf just above my head where I was sitting, talking to my friend on the phone. The shelf was about 1 1/2 inches wide and as the boat turned, it dumped down my back, my arm and collected in a puddle on the seat I was on. I was wearing a white, linen shirt--which was now looking very see-through and of course immediately had to find a bathroom. Luckily it was only water, not the red punch I had seen others drinking. Unfortunately, my entire left side was soaked and it looked like I had an accident in my pants. I went up to the second level and stood outside in the freezing wind, hoping that the cover of night was my friend and that it would dry out. I stayed as long as I could without looking like a stalker to the couples that were beginning to be very territorial of their spaces. Finally I could see the shore and I think I was one of the first 10 people off the boat out of over 400-500 people. And that ended my Saturday evening of the festivities.

Sunday was nice and probably my favorite part. By now, maybe you are asking about the workshops. This was an Activity Conference and so there were no workshops or classes. The Sunday meeting was held at the inter stake center building on the Oakland Temple grounds. It was a great meeting, good speakers and in between the dessert social, we took the tour of a bronze sculptor's work that was on display. The day ended with a fireside and again, a pretty good speaker. Then it was over and everyone went their separate ways. On a scale of 1 to 10, I would give it about a 6.5 -- fun, good to catch up with people I knew, organized and lots to do. On the downside, maybe classes would have been good, and have it cost less. Would I go again? I think so, since I have a place to stay with my friend and I love going back to the Bay Area.

I have found that although mid-singles conferences are a way to get together with people in your age group, I still haven't figured out how it helps me to have connections in my own area. For a short time, it was nice to know that I still have some social skills, I can carry on a witty conversation or not embarrass myself in public. I guess that is a good start, but coming home I am still in the same boat--and that's what I need to figure out and when I do, I'll tell you everything I discover about making this world of being a mid-single a bit more exciting.

eHarmony Review

Well, I counted back and yes, Lola has been engaged three times. Only two of them were truly psycho. The other one I've always thought was misguided but nice. This blog is also drawing us closer together because I did not know she had this freakish superstition about horoscopes.

Because I care about information, I think my posts will be mostly informative (as in, if I had drama I would happily share it but since I have none I will give people useful information).

Last summer my mother mentioned - just a few times - that she thought I should give eHarmony a try. Because, yes, I am still totally under my mother's control I succumbed and signed up back in September 2007.

For those of you who are not familiar with eHarmony, they make you take a personality test, whose credibility I keep questioning because they labeled me as an extrovert. You are sent pictures and profiles of men that are supposed to match you and then their system provides "guided communication" to help you filter and figure out if your values are a match. Their matching system sent me various men, most of which lived in Utah. None particularly caught my eye other than this adorably geeky looking guy in Idaho who discontinued our beginning online communications because he found someone real to date.

Some of these men were disturbing, like the man who talked about how all he wanted was to fall asleep in the arms of the beautiful woman he passionately loves every night. Sorry, but her arms? Isn't it supposed to work the other way, or is that just gender bias? Others were simply no good, like the guy who asked if I liked to be crazy and spontaneous and do dangerous things, or if I was more the type who thinks people who deliberately put themselves into dangerous situations are stupid. I took option B, and so it ended.

The breaking point came when in one week they sent me the profiles of:

• A man 7 inches shorter than me. I happen to be tall, and I refuse to provide a Mutt-and-Jeff visual joke for the public for the rest of my life.
• A man with 7 kids living with his ex-wife down the street who clearly wasn't making enough money to support everyone involved, based on his job, so - no. I am not marrying someone to provide him with the financial resources to support his kids and ex-wife in their house down the street.
• A man who said that the last book he read was Henry James' "Washington Square". He said after he finished it he was up all night crying about it. Enough said.
• One that looked normal, except that he's Finnish and living in Finland. But I got his "can't stands/ must haves" and he mentioned in three places that he cares about how his wife looks - she cannot be overweight. So then I realized he is really just a lightweight that somehow got past my radar. Plus he said he can't be with someone who worries, and we all know I am a worrier, so that one was a no-go too.

Conclusions about eHarmony? No good for LDS people. They said they are filtering for compatability, but I think they matched me up with every LDS guy in their system (because we match on no drinking, no smoking, no sex, no gambling....). I say that I am looking for just some nice guy that's active in the church but when you get someone who says he's an actor slash massage therapist living in L.A., you know you have to run the other way. You didn't stay single all these years just to wind up playing nursemaid, did you? ....Well, I didn't.

In another post I'll give my review of ldslinkup (I need time to compose just the right descriptive terms), but I'll give you the spoiler here: I think that the General Authorities are right and we should be looking in our wards and stakes. Of course, my stake at the time had no single men between 30 and 40, but that's another post too.

The One and Only

Is this theory/fantasy one that is healthy in which to believe? I have believed in it all my life but now I am wondering if it has served me well. I do believe in a God and I do believe He is a God of order. As a mother, I have felt many times that my son, Charlie was supposed to come to me...that I was supposed to learn from him lessons that I could not learn elsewhere. I have heard other parents echo similar sentiments. It doesn't take a genius to realize how messed up the whole order could become then when one individual marries the wrong person. So it can't work that way. There are too many holes in the logic. That stubborn belief (which I am beginning to resent) combined with my love/hate relationship with horoscopes have both contributed to my status as single woman...on the way to becoming spinster/old maid. Regardless of how giddy I have been about a new crush, when I learn that his birthday makes us incompatible, my feelings are drastically affected and I am unable to resurrect the excitement I once felt. That is crazy! But perhaps these are just excuses. Perhaps they serve me as a good cover-up so I won’t have to acknowledge the real issue…fear. I look at married couples in wonder and awe. How do they do it? How do they not get flustered or offended or hurt or bugged or angry or jealous or turned-off to the point that they just walk away, deciding that it is easier to be alone? I do not understand. The other element of fear comes when one realizes the degree to which the person you marry will shape your life. In large part, that one decision, if made in a committed way…for life…will determine the friends you have, the relationships you maintain with your family and his, your children, their appearance, the number of them and the attitudes they develop about life and love relationships, your financial situation, the activities you end up pursuing, your travel opportunities…the list goes on and on. All of these things will determine the experiences you have which will help shape your view of the world and life and love. Of course the person you marry does not determine your perspective of all of the above nor will he decide or force your reaction to anything that happens. Your life is still your own. But, it seems to me, in an effort to ensure that all individuals affected by the choice of marriage have the best possible chance to find joy and happiness in this life, the one decision of whom it will be…this husband to whom you will attach…is huge. I think it is because I do see it as such…as a union…a true meshing of two people. I don’t believe it is something to be endured or slogged through but something to relish and enjoy and celebrate. Therefore it is easy to be so nervous about the decision. There is too much unknown!

I always thought myself to be a risk-taker. In high school, after watching “Ski School, “ my friends and I, when we would snowboard would adopt the motto, “Live life…taste death.” That became my desire…to really live on the edge…in every way. But I don’t…I am a wimp. Engaged three times? Bailing out at the last minute? “W” “I” “M” “P” As tough as I have always liked to believe I was, I am not. I am unable to take the risk that I say that I really want…marriage. I think it is a gamble not only on another person but also on yourself…that you will be the kind of spouse and mother and partner and friend and confident that you want to believe that you are. Of what am I most afraid? I want to get to the bottom of it. I want to take this risk that I know will lead me to more fulfillment and joy.

The man with the sexy hands.

I am at Peter’s T-ball practice, watching from the sidelines. Today, he comes to practice with more confidence than ever before.

On Sunday night, Drew…the only single man in our family ward …called me. His voice message made me laugh. Drew moved in a couple of months ago. I immediately noticed him. It was difficult not to. He is handsome and tall…big…big hands…oooh la la. My thoughts haven’t always been so pure when thinking of those hands. I know! This is bad! He is in my ward! After asking just the right people in the ward, I learned that he had recently gone through a divorce. I surmised that it must have been a long marriage because he was noticeably scared of me...nervous around me. At first I let it alone. But it seemed to be getting worse with time. I began to try and put myself in places where I thought he might pass. When I would see him, I would try to talk with him, knowing that I made him so nervous. He didn’t physically run away on my approach, but if he could have without a scene, I am sure he would have. I have even been so cruel as to snicker to myself about it on occasion…and I purposely try to find things to ask him…just to watch him squirm!

On Sunday, I made a bold move. I went to choir practice…where I knew he would be. Anyone that knows me well understands what a calculated move this was. I grew up in an extremely musical family. Although I enjoyed singing, I carried with me the label of “non-singer,” because the other more talented labels had been snagged up long ago. However, I have been in choirs before and I know of my option to just open my mouth and let little or no sound emerge. So I went…to see what I could see. The conductor and everyone else present made a big deal about my arrival…I felt almost dishonest about it. They were so excited because they assumed my excitement about being in the choir…but I really didn’t feel such excitement. I just thought it a good move to increase Drew’s comfort level around me…give him more common ground to discuss. I am devious. Choir went well…and I did exercise my option. As we practiced these difficult songs, I learned with shock that our conductor had an amazing ear and could hear individual voices amidst a group of singing chords! I exercised my option. Instead of talking to Drew after choir practice, I made a quiet exit.

Later that night, I received his voice message, “Katie, because you are the Ward Single Adult Rep, I wondered if there were any single adult activities this week.” As I mentioned earlier, the message made me smile. I had invited Drew to a couple of different single activities before. He was definitely not interested in attending any of the sort. He would reply, “I don’t plan on staying single so I am not interested in going to those single activities.” The conversations were always awkward.

I called Drew back on Monday morning…during a break from work. The conversation was good…funny. Genuinely funny. We were both enjoying it, in spite of our mutual and obvious nervousness. I told him of my plan to talk with each of the single adults in the ward (all of who were women, most of whom were over 60) and find out what each wanted out of a ward singles program. I asked him what he wanted out of a ward singles group. He, with darling honesty, admitted that he hadn't called to find out about the activities... he just wanted an opportunity to talk to me.

I invited Drew to come to family home evening with me and Peter that night. Seemingly excited, he quickly asked, “What time?” I asked him to do the lesson and then we planned to meet at a park where we would play baseball. I picked Peter up from art class at 4:30. As he finished his homework, I whipped out a batch of chocolate chip cookies….for the f.h.e. treat, you know? I hoped that it was true…the old saying, that the key to a man’s heart is his stomach. Noah and I headed out to meet Drew at 7:00. On the drive over, he called. It was getting dark and he was worried that we wouldn’t be able to see well enough to play. He suggested meeting at a nearby batting cage. Brilliant! The batting cages had a t-ball cage. For the half-hour we had the cage, Drew, with those sexy hands, worked with Peter, helping him improve his swing. He was encouraging, supportive, complimentary…so incredible! Petey was on fire! He was so happy and so confident. Drew was amazing. Seemingly uninterested with what I thought and completely unaware of himself, he was interested solely in Peter and helping him improve his skills. I was pretty smitten. It was a great night.

Latter-day Sublimate

My name is Claire. I am 34 years old and single. All else aside, there is nothing startling or strange about these facts. However, as a member of the Mormon Church, these facts set me apart from everything that is normal and good and desired. If you had been raised in a community like mine, the combination of "34-year old woman" and "single" would undoubtedly raise even your eyebrows. "What is wrong with her?" "Why is she single?" "What is her story?"

I have, in some unexpected ways, taken the road less travelled....and I do have a story. As one travelling through uncharted territory, too proud to ask for directions, finds himself (no assumptions...i just had to pick one) lost and disoriented, my destination of "over 30 and single" has not been my proclaimed pursuit. Nonetheless, I find myself here certainly because of my choices, however unconscious they may have been.

Despite my separateness, I find myself feeling a part...everywhere. As I let my humanity connect me to those around me...perhaps by exposing it...almost scandalously, my days are filled with laughter...at my situations, my interactions, my son, and most often...myself.

I do believe, especially on the days that I am blessed with hysteria about my life, that laughter is good for the soul...and great for the body.