November

It's been a month. Things fizzled out really quickly with Russ...hard to imagine since we had limited time to see each other. I work quickly. Seriously, what is my problem? Since then I have been lined up three times.

• Number 1...the magician. The magician is in the neighboring ward and knows a good friend of mine. He has two girls, 11 and 9 and a boy, 6. Perfect situation on paper. I would really love something like that. The first night he called me, we talked for about 15 minutes. During that time, I learned all about his divorce. 12 years of marriage and then his wife left him after multiple affairs...all with women. During our conversation, I was on facebook and chatting with my brother over in India. In his opinion, I should run while I could still see. If his wife left him for a woman...and he was completely unaware, there were problems too big for me. We went out. He was nice. I thought a little feminine. Aside from a few text message conversations, I haven't heard from him.
• Number 2...my mom's pick. This one, for me, holds the most promise. And, I think it is because my mom picked him out. She is head over heels in love with him. Each time we have talked about him on the phone, she says over and over, "He is just so strong!" After being completely taken by my dad's material and hearing my parents needed extra help with their yard, he offered to do side work for him on his time off his other job. He has done that for awhile. On the 11th of this month, all my siblings went home for the day to pay tribute to my dad who was giving a BYU devotional address, marking the beginning of his retirement. My mom strategically arranged for him to pick me up from the airport so we could drive the way down to Provo together...and see if we were suited for marriage. I love my mom. It was a good time. He is young and open....refreshing. We talk. He will come down this next weekend for my company's annual Gala. My dad will be honored at the event and will give a seminar so it promises to be a great time.
• Number 3...the police officer. Not a match. I was even laughing aloud at lunch. I told him that it was very odd that I was on a date with a police officer as I had always had an issue with authority. We had talked on the phone prior to meeting but at lunch he asked me again what kind of law I had practiced. When I said "criminal defense," he said, "I thought that is what you told me on the phone but then I convinced myself I must have heard wrong because surely you must sleep at night. During the conversation, I learned he had 4 boys and that he believed in "capital punishment." "I think it is fine to spank my boys," he explained. I didn't correct him. We went out the day after Thanksgiving and he had been in line that morning at 3:30 am waiting to get an automatic weapon. There were only four left...and the stores would no longer be selling them. He was elated because he was 2nd in line and he got his gun. I felt badly for lying at the end of the date. When he asked me if he could call, I smiled and said yes. I guess I wasn't lying...he could call...but I am sure that I won't be seeing him again.

In the meantime, aside from these blind dates, I have been seeing two guys. One was a set up from last month and one I met while coaching Charlie's soccer team. The first is nice. Solid and good. He is my age and we will see. The second is also nice. I don't know yet how committed either one is to living the gospel. The second has been married before and has two darling boys. I love his boys. One of his boys was on my soccer team. The other is three and such a sweetheart. His biggest drawback is his ex wife. She is nasty. She is also determined to obtain every penny he ever earns. Difficult.

So, it is not as if I don't have options. I really wonder if something is not fundamentally wrong with me. The other day, my boss called me into his office. In all seriousness, he asked me, "Do any of your other siblings have your disease?" "What do you mean," I asked. "I have never seen anything like it," he explained, "you are so hot-cold. You will meet someone and be convinced he is "the one" and then days later, you can't even remember his last name...sometimes even his first."

His observations are absolutely correct. I am not oblivious to this pattern. I don't know the answer. I am trying to figure it out. I don't want this to continue. I do want to get married.

Unexpected...

Many times, I wonder if I should just be content to be single...and stop trying to be something else. Things ended with Drew. Although I am very happy that I was able to understand his point of view about "Butterflies," and grateful to understand a part of me that I need to change, I have realized that things are not right between Drew and I. There was no big break up...nothing dramatic. I just asked him if we could slow things down a bit and see other people. He had wanted the opposite and was feeling like I didn't give him enough...that he was my last thought at the end of the day. At the time we had this conversation, I had just finished an unusally stressful week and knew that I couldn't offer him anything more than I already was. I felt relief that I no longer had to disappoint him.

I started seeing someone shortly after....we'll call him Rob. He recently started working for the nonprofit company where I have been working this past year. Interestingly, he went to high school with my younger sister and I went to school with his older brother. He is two years younger than me. Ironically, over a year ago, my sister mentioned that her high school buddy was still single and wondered if I would be open to a blind date. I was but Rob was living in Arizona and I was temporarily in Utah and, for whatever reason, the date was never arranged. About two months ago, Rob showed up to work. I recognized his last name and he resembled his brother. We have gone out a few times....and I have enjoyed myself thoroughly. I am completely attracted to him...his mind...and the way and care he thinks about things...he allows me to think about things in a completely new way. I love being around him. He works out in the wilderness the majority of the time. It is a perfect arrangement for me because so often I get so wrapped up so quickly that I fail to see things clearly and I easily lose myself in the whirlwind.

I will keep posting but please Jane, Mercedes and Jill....tell me about your life. Jane, any word on the job front? How about you, Mercedes? Jill, I would love to get to know you better.

Butterflies

I am embarrassed to be writing this. Embarrassed that I have been so wrong. I must thank Jane for inspiring me to rethink things. She wondered if I had not been guilty of jumping to conclusions too quickly.

After the car episode, Drew and I didn't speak for about five days. During this time, I found myself really missing him...craving to be with him. I tried to suffocate these feelings because logically, I didn't want to be with someone who was so reluctant to help me in need! On one of these days, I spoke with Jane. She wondered if perhaps I wasn't been a little too harsh...if maybe I had seen things from a skewed perspective. I couldn't believe she was questioning my judgement! I thought about this a lot. The following day, I was to teach Sunday School to my 16 year olds and Relief Society. Since I usually don't teach people my age, I was a little more nervous than normal. Because it was also Fast Sunday, I tried with extra effort to have the Spirit guide me, calm me and inspire me to know His Will. Throughout my morning, I had the impression multiple times, "Talk to Drew".

Druing one of the breaks in the hallway, I ran into Drew. I only felt excitement to see him. I gave him a hug which nearly knocked him over. He really wasn't expecting such a greeting from me....and I understood why. It really hadn't ended prettily. After he caught his breath, I asked him if we could talk. He said yes.

Later that afternoon, we talked....and I learned. I learned, with dismay and embarrassment, that my long exposure to the Mid-singles group has infected me...in a negative way. In my experiences, I have had many conversations with men in their 30s. When we talk frankly about dating, I have asked them point blank why it is they don't ask women out. Why has dating come to a screeching halt in our midsingles world? They have expressed a fear of rejection but they have also expressed contempt and resentment for having to be the one to foot the bill during the "getting -to-know-eachother" period of time. During some conversations, we have talked specifically about how long that period of time lasts. Regardless, due to these types of conversations, I have tried to be very sensitive to men I go out with...and always offer to pay.

So....my first date with Drew. We took Charlie to the batting cages. Drew took out his wallet to pay. I remember it clearly...I pushed his hand away and said, "Oh, don't think that I expect you to pay for this." In his poor mind (as he explained to me), he thought, "Whoa...a lot has changed during the 25 years I was married. I am dealing with a completely different type of woman." So for the few weeks that we hung out, Drew was walking around me as if on egg shells...not wanting to upset this uber-independent woman of the new century. And here I was wondering why this giving and loving man did not take pleasure in taking care of his damsel...especially when she was in distress.

As we talked, I realized with horror my complete folly! What an idiot Lola is! I wonder how many other relationships I have sabbotoged so completely and unknowingly!

I was so grateful that Drew was open to forgive me and forget my poor behavior. In fact, he has labeled the whole experience "Butterflies". If I refer to it, he quickly interjects, "Oh, you mean Butterflies?"

Critical Thinking Skills

I was going to title this, "Critical Thinking Skills --Essential for the Dating Process", but as my life illustrates, if you use critical thinking skills you frequently end up with NO dating process at all. As the two readers of our blog will know, Lola and I expressed a difference in perspective this last month. Lola feels (rightly) that we need to accept each other's quirks and differences in order to date and find good people. I feel that you should carefully evaluate before you start into a relationship and make sure you know what you are getting into. There is a middle ground here, but she and I haven't found it yet. Theoretically we can agree it's there, but in practicality, it's....not there.

So I thought I would present my side, with an example from my life. I just spent three years in graduate school in a city that has few members of the church. In three years I did not meet one man in the church who was between 30 and 45, and single. Not a single one. Not ONE. If any single men did appear, they were snatched up by the women who grew up in that area and had connections (like brothers) who hooked them up, and by the time I knew someone had moved into the stake he was already engaged/ married. It was bizarre. My dating choices were limited to things like the director of my program, who hit on me in my first interview with him. So I didn't date.

Anyway, I complained about this to a friend of mine. She and her husband grew up in the area, and they knew a guy they wanted to set me up with. Great. The night we are to meet up, I'm nervous because I'm meeting a man who is a member, and I want to make a good impression because I really know how rare that is, so I dress very carefully. The four of us meet up at my friends' house. Let me give you a first impression of "Dave". Dave is my age, 34. He is shorter than I am (not a problem), a fair bit overweight (it's OK), and has a lot of facial hair (not OK, but fixable). His clothes, again, are fixable. I'm no fashion model and grad school and moving past the age of 30 means that I'm not exactly on top of my game either. So I look past all this and see how good he is with my friend's little boy. I put a tick on the positive side of the column, and settle in to extract as much information as I possibly can about him.

I find out that he thinks school is not very valuable, and too hard to stick with (this to a grad student doing two degrees simultaneously), so he gave up on his undergraduate degree. He hates his job but it's easy, so he has no intention of doing something he likes that might require effort. One thing he does like is to go play paintball.

He also likes to cook. I like to cook too, so I ask him about it and then (as he goes on and on about how he once tried the medieval dish of stuffing a turkey with a chicken, stuffed with a duck) realize I would prefer to marry a man who does not cook, but merely eats what I put in front of him and is amazed that I can make so many things. But this is an aside.

Next we find out that he doesn't attend church, and hasn't for the past three years or so. I maneuver my friend into the kitchen and hiss in her ear, "I thought you told me he was a member!" She insists that he is. I insist he isn't and then drop it and return to the living room. All I can say is three years of non-attendance = no tithes, no temple recommend, no calling....and I'd like to say that this to me means, choosing not to be a member. We still disagree over my definition but I know I'm right.

The evening moves on, and he makes it clear he thinks I'm very attractive by staring at me like a lovestruck puppy. I restrain the urge to kick him. We play cards. He cheats. We play a board game he brought. He sets it up so that he wins. I leave. As the door closes behind me, he says to our mutual friends, "I guess I didn't make a very good impression."

No, Dave. You didn't. Does that surprise you?

So here is what my critical assessment of the situation is. Yes, I could have dated this guy, telling myself that maybe I could coerce him into getting his act together. If I had done that, I would have wound up exactly nowhere. This is a person who thinks that things that are hard are not worth doing, and so he has given up on living by the church standards. Marriage is hard--extremely hard, from what I've observed--so why would he want to put in the work, when he won't work hard in any area of his life? And cheating at cards. What does that say about a person's mentality? I chose not to date him, because I saw these things as red flags. Maybe one day he'll meet a woman who will see them as quirks and get past them to know the nice person I am sure he is, and value that. I'm sure she'll think that I am a fool.

Click and Clack

My car broke down last night. I have always been taught that I should be grateful for my trials. Today is the first time I feel overwhelmed with gratitude for my mishap, as stressed out as the logistical nightmare made me. My blessed car's failure was the catalyst to me ending things with Drew. And...it ended as abruptly as it began.


Peter and I were on a mission last night to find the last remaining piece to a Batman collection given out in McDonalds Happy Meals. I am morally against McDonalds food (except for their ice cream) and Peter has no taste for it. We never go there to purchase food but rather to collect their $1.50 toys. These toys are much sturdier than other cheap toys and with the whole collection, little boys can have hours of fun together. We were on a quest for the Joker's helicopter. Sadly, at each McDonalds we were greeted with the disappointing news that the Batman collection was history...there were no helicopters...they had moved on to the Robotics collection. Too bad.

While we were driving around, however, I noticed that my car was having increasing difficulty. It was as if gas was not getting to it although I was flooring it. Finally, it died. From a parking lot, I called Drew. Of course! Drew! He is a car genius. Owner of a tow truck and in the repo and auction business, Drew claims that he can fix any problem in any car. I gave Drew a jingle. "So," he asks, "what are you going to do? Are you going to call a tow truck?" Now...a little background. Drew and I have been getting fairly serious. We have seen each other every day. He usually comes over in the evening and I make a dinner, send him home with freshly baked bread, etc. When I went to Utah with my sister's, I was so excited to bring him home some clothes I had found for him at the outlet stores. He has been talking to me about wanting to get married, how many children I want...the works!

When I am into someone, my days are spent trying to think of ways I could make his life better....how I could serve him. That is why I was speechless when he asked me if I was going to call a tow truck...with no offer of coming to help his damsel in distress! Who was this guy?

He then said, "Do you have a shop you could take it to tomorrow?" Again, aghast. I finally asked him if he would be willing to take a look at it. He hesitated and then said, "Well, then it is as if I am married to your car. I mean everytime you have a problem with it, you will call me!" It was at that moment that the thought of kissing him...a thought I used to love...repusled me to the core. Who was this person? Why would I consider spending another minute with him?

I went to bed instantly last night. I didn't even want to think about the situation. My car problems worried me...but, I was crushed about Drew. Let down. Why am I such an idiot? When I finally got my car to the shop after pushing it through an intersection and arranging for a tow truck, I was relieved and grateful. I am glad I didn't expend any more energy on this guy....grateful that my car gave me this hassle now...instead of four months down the road! Why am I such an idiot? Do I ever learn?

A calming effect

Things are going well with Drew. We get along well and have a lot of the same interests. We have felt comfortable with each other from the beginning and seem to be able to be completely ourselves... open and honest. We have been spending a lot of time together. Knowing of my history to fall hard and quickly, a few days ago, I became concerned that I might be moving ahead in blindness. Knowing of my extremely monogamous nature, I became worried that becoming exclusive, combined with my nature to jump in so completley might prevent me from being open to other possible relationships. I am looking only for one person...but, I worry so much about making sure that decision is the right one. It is clear to me that the person I marry will determine everything about the rest of my life.

Almost in answer to my desire to ease this concern, one night this week Drew was doing something with his 14 year old daughter. The only other guy for whom I have developed any interest called me in the evening and wanted to drop by. (I'll call him Brad) Brad is getting his PhD in Economics and has a deep conviction of the gospel. He is a good man, it is clear. He recently began his PhD program at ASU and has been overwhelmed with homework and school responsibilities. I haven't seen Brad in awhile but he came over and we visited for about an hour. We had a good talk and again I was impressed by his goodness. The following evening, again, Drew was doing something with his daughter. Brad called and we went downtown with Peter to an art fair. We had a good time. He is good, interesting, fun and attractive. At the end of the night, however, I found myself missing Drew.

Unfortunately, I have lived a little too much of life. Now with a child, dealing with a co-parent and the other pressures and responsibilities that a working mother feels, I seek for companionship from one who has the ability to comprehend. I feel that Drew offers the mature outlook on life that one who has had simpler lessons in life has difficulty understanding. As I continue to pray that I will be led to the right decision, I know that I am receiving that direction.

I was going to respond to Jane's post. Instead I think I will include this here. Awhile ago, I was set up with a man, over 40. Many people in my life know him intimately well. He is the oldest boy of 14 children. His father left the church when he was about 18 and he had to take over as the father. Many people suspect that this is the reason he is still single...he has had to devote too much time and emotion to his parents' family that he hasn't been able to begin his own. I don't know.

The family members and friends of mine that know him think he is the greatest thing since sliced bread. He plays a significant part in the Nauvoo pageant for the church and is just phenomenal. I was excited when a dear friend of mine set us up. We began emailing and those daily emails were extremely enjoyable.

Knowing this man well, another close friend called me. He said this, "Lola, there is no better man out there than this guy. However, he is 40 and because of that, he has developed and cultivated behaviors and habits and idiosyncrasies that may not be attractive. They might even be considered 'red flags.' My advice to you, Lola," he kindly said, "is this: At this age, you are going to meet people that fall into this category...ones with 'red flags' . As you get to know these men, I want you to let three 'red flags' (or things that would normally turn you completely off) to go by...almost unnoticed. Don't let them affect you as you get to know them." Basically, he advised, continue on the path of discovery without running away at the first unsavory piece of information. I think this is great advice for those of us at this age. The guys we meet are going to do and say things that are completely outrageous...and may even provide us with sufficient justification to keep on looking. However, I do think that if we do that, we will be missing out at uncovering the amazing qualities that lie beneath those awkward and more visible "turn-offs". When I think about the great married people I know...they got to know each other gradually and because of true love, they are able to overlook the idiosyncrasies and personality traits that develop naturally with life. Given our age, we are going to meet people who have already developed themselves a little, the good and the bad. If we want to end up happy and in love and be seen for who we really are, I think we have to pray to have a discerning and forgiving mind as we meet and get to know these older men.

Since receiving that advice, I have really tried to follow it...with him and other men. This guy, Drew...the one I have mentioned in an earlier blog is a perfect example of this. Luckily, he has been completely honest about his shortcomings so I haven't felt like a genius detective upon their discovery. Some of them, I am sure, could be seen as sufficiently unsavory to stop the learning process. But, as I continue to get to know him, I am getting to know such an amazing individual! He is darling and good! I am so grateful for that perfect piece of advice!