The One and Only

Is this theory/fantasy one that is healthy in which to believe? I have believed in it all my life but now I am wondering if it has served me well. I do believe in a God and I do believe He is a God of order. As a mother, I have felt many times that my son, Charlie was supposed to come to me...that I was supposed to learn from him lessons that I could not learn elsewhere. I have heard other parents echo similar sentiments. It doesn't take a genius to realize how messed up the whole order could become then when one individual marries the wrong person. So it can't work that way. There are too many holes in the logic. That stubborn belief (which I am beginning to resent) combined with my love/hate relationship with horoscopes have both contributed to my status as single woman...on the way to becoming spinster/old maid. Regardless of how giddy I have been about a new crush, when I learn that his birthday makes us incompatible, my feelings are drastically affected and I am unable to resurrect the excitement I once felt. That is crazy! But perhaps these are just excuses. Perhaps they serve me as a good cover-up so I won’t have to acknowledge the real issue…fear. I look at married couples in wonder and awe. How do they do it? How do they not get flustered or offended or hurt or bugged or angry or jealous or turned-off to the point that they just walk away, deciding that it is easier to be alone? I do not understand. The other element of fear comes when one realizes the degree to which the person you marry will shape your life. In large part, that one decision, if made in a committed way…for life…will determine the friends you have, the relationships you maintain with your family and his, your children, their appearance, the number of them and the attitudes they develop about life and love relationships, your financial situation, the activities you end up pursuing, your travel opportunities…the list goes on and on. All of these things will determine the experiences you have which will help shape your view of the world and life and love. Of course the person you marry does not determine your perspective of all of the above nor will he decide or force your reaction to anything that happens. Your life is still your own. But, it seems to me, in an effort to ensure that all individuals affected by the choice of marriage have the best possible chance to find joy and happiness in this life, the one decision of whom it will be…this husband to whom you will attach…is huge. I think it is because I do see it as such…as a union…a true meshing of two people. I don’t believe it is something to be endured or slogged through but something to relish and enjoy and celebrate. Therefore it is easy to be so nervous about the decision. There is too much unknown!

I always thought myself to be a risk-taker. In high school, after watching “Ski School, “ my friends and I, when we would snowboard would adopt the motto, “Live life…taste death.” That became my desire…to really live on the edge…in every way. But I don’t…I am a wimp. Engaged three times? Bailing out at the last minute? “W” “I” “M” “P” As tough as I have always liked to believe I was, I am not. I am unable to take the risk that I say that I really want…marriage. I think it is a gamble not only on another person but also on yourself…that you will be the kind of spouse and mother and partner and friend and confident that you want to believe that you are. Of what am I most afraid? I want to get to the bottom of it. I want to take this risk that I know will lead me to more fulfillment and joy.