Falling OUT OF Love

Hey there bloggers, I'm Mercedes. For those of you who don’t know me, my life can be very comical but yet depressing at times and hopefully you can’t relate. I love to ramble and to avoid rambling my goal is to keep my posts within about 10-15 minutes by the time I am done deleting, rewriting, and removing all the cuss words in an effort to keep this clean!!!!

What can I tell you about me….I am a single, LDS female who is divorced with two children. My oldest child is a girl and my youngest child is a boy. I work full-time as the internal audit manager for a privately held company. I’ve picked up some business operations responsibilities and plan to shift into that full time very soon. In addition, I run an internet company I started last year. I’m dying to sit in the sun and do nothing but so far that doesn’t look promising. I enjoy being with my kids as we attempt to cook something or play at the park. I like to shop, read, work out, snowboard, wakeboard, hike, and be with family and friends.

I don’t really know where to start so I guess I will go with the thoughts I’ve had today. How do I explain my relationship with this guy I like a lot? I think I’m in love with him (maybe just a big crush). I have thoughts of him day and night; want to be with him all the time. Yes, I even imagine him kissing me passionately like he did last time I saw him. For this post, and posts here after, I will call him Mort. He lives two states away so it really isn’t possible to see him, which is probably a good thing to be honest. We both concluded we don’t think long distances relationships work so we just carry about our lives day by day. I hate having these feelings. How could a guy possible have this kind of crazy hold over my thoughts? So here is the big question…How do I fall out of love with him and still be friends? Is that possible? I can’t even keep Mort’s phone number in my phone because I don’t want to text or call him. On the other hand, if he sends me a text or calls I get all giddy and act as if I’ve died and gone to heaven. Honestly, my goal is to get a grip with my emotions, especially when I have PMS because it seems to magnify itself. Oh well, I guess that goes along with being a female, I will try to embrace it this week! Oh yeah...he called tonight and yes I'm on cloud nine!

The SF Mid-Single Adult Conference Report

Let me first begin this post with a small introduction of myself. I'm a 36 year old (going to be 37 next week), single--never been married, active LDS female. I live outside a college town of about 52,000 and in a stake that doesn't have a mid-singles program and needs one. There is a single adult program that is in my opinion, struggling to get going, and is unfortunately made up of adults that are well into their late 50's and beyond. I'm attending my home ward that I grew up in and I am back here working on my business from home. I taught early morning seminary last year, but as my business is getting busier during those wee-hours of the morning, I was re-assigned into the primary, where I teach five of the most wiggly, loud--yet can be sweet, 11 year old boys each Sunday. This sums up the social interaction at best in my life currently.

OK, so now you know why I made the trip down to San Francisco for a chance of social interaction with people that hopefully are in my age category (31-45). I used to live in the Bay Area, so even if the conference was horrible, I was staying with my best friend and we could always leave and hang out somewhere else.

They really stretched the days for this conference. It actually unofficially began on Thursday evening with a session at the Oakland Temple and ice cream after. I had just gotten into town earlier that day, so I didn't go to this part. On Friday, the festivities officially began on the 4th floor of the Sony Metreon. My best friend (who is also my age and is a single, active LDS female) came with me and we made our way into the "dance area". Although we didn't show up until after 8:30 pm (not wanting to be the welcoming committee at 7 pm), there was only a hand full of folks there. We walked around, staying far away from the dance floor, and people watched for awhile. Finally we got word that they were passing out times for the Speed Dating event and found that the earliest time was 9:30 pm. We got our tickets and waited. At 9:30 pm, we and 100 other women lined up and sat in our chairs waiting for the men to fill in the seats across from us. The attendance for this was starting to look better, as at least 50 chairs for each gender filled up. Being that this was only my second speed dating experience, I don't have much to compare it with. My first time was back in May at a mid-single adult conference in Seattle and that was much smaller and the participants, shall we say, were a bit strange.

The first guy I talked with I actually had about 10 minutes with, since they were still getting things together before it began and I recognized him from the Seattle conference. After him, I don't remember too much, because we were literally given 60 seconds to chat and the only information that you can get in such a short amount of time is..."Hi, I'm so-and-so, where are you from? What do you do?" and then it was time to switch. The one good thing about only having 60 seconds to chat is that it only takes me about 15 seconds to weed out the guys that were really strange or let's just say not really interested in my gender (which I can't figure out why they were wasting my minute). One guy sat down across from me and pulls his chair as close to me, so our knees were smashed together and he leaned in and tried to talk to me about 3 inches from my face--that one minute was the longest ever. Just a thought guys--don't invade a girl's personal space in just meeting her, it might not be welcomed. After about 45 minutes and no end in sight to the line of guys, my friend and I had to leave (she had to work at 11 pm and she was my ride home to Oakland). I thought overall it was kind of fun, but useless as to actually talking and getting to know new people.

The next day, there were activities at Crissy Field (Sumo wrestling, Boci Ball, Volleyball, Soccer, Frisbee, etc.) During this time, I actually ran into many people I knew from my old ward in Palo Alto and spent time catching up with them. I also met a few new people during the lunch time and during some of the games. Again, it seemed like conversations were short and it was difficult to get to know new people. Keep in mind, I went to this conference with no expectations, other than to get out of my comfort zone, be more social and meet new people.

The evening activity was a cruise around the bay, with a three-level boat. The bottom level was a dance floor and for the first time in at least 10 years, I actually found myself participating. Since I did know people already, it made it easy to hang out on the dance floor with them. I can't imagine how it would have been, not knowing anyone, because loud music and a dark room isn't conducive to meeting and talking with someone new. I went up to the second level, where it was freezing cold, windy and apparently filled with people who just happened to find each other and as I looked around, I realized that many had "paired off". Needless to say, I didn't stay on this level too long, as I felt I was intruding on many couples "romantic moments". I ventured up to the top level and found that it had less people, no groups and couples huddled together in "deep conversations". So back down to the first floor I went. After getting an hour and a half dance workout in, I was pretty much ready to leave. That's the problem with being stuck on a boat (that left an hour late and was still giving us the "three hour tour"), you can't leave. So I made a few more rounds, chit-chatted with folks I knew, called my friend who had to work again and then it happened...some idiot set his (or her, but probably a guy) beverage glass on a shelf just above my head where I was sitting, talking to my friend on the phone. The shelf was about 1 1/2 inches wide and as the boat turned, it dumped down my back, my arm and collected in a puddle on the seat I was on. I was wearing a white, linen shirt--which was now looking very see-through and of course immediately had to find a bathroom. Luckily it was only water, not the red punch I had seen others drinking. Unfortunately, my entire left side was soaked and it looked like I had an accident in my pants. I went up to the second level and stood outside in the freezing wind, hoping that the cover of night was my friend and that it would dry out. I stayed as long as I could without looking like a stalker to the couples that were beginning to be very territorial of their spaces. Finally I could see the shore and I think I was one of the first 10 people off the boat out of over 400-500 people. And that ended my Saturday evening of the festivities.

Sunday was nice and probably my favorite part. By now, maybe you are asking about the workshops. This was an Activity Conference and so there were no workshops or classes. The Sunday meeting was held at the inter stake center building on the Oakland Temple grounds. It was a great meeting, good speakers and in between the dessert social, we took the tour of a bronze sculptor's work that was on display. The day ended with a fireside and again, a pretty good speaker. Then it was over and everyone went their separate ways. On a scale of 1 to 10, I would give it about a 6.5 -- fun, good to catch up with people I knew, organized and lots to do. On the downside, maybe classes would have been good, and have it cost less. Would I go again? I think so, since I have a place to stay with my friend and I love going back to the Bay Area.

I have found that although mid-singles conferences are a way to get together with people in your age group, I still haven't figured out how it helps me to have connections in my own area. For a short time, it was nice to know that I still have some social skills, I can carry on a witty conversation or not embarrass myself in public. I guess that is a good start, but coming home I am still in the same boat--and that's what I need to figure out and when I do, I'll tell you everything I discover about making this world of being a mid-single a bit more exciting.

eHarmony Review

Well, I counted back and yes, Lola has been engaged three times. Only two of them were truly psycho. The other one I've always thought was misguided but nice. This blog is also drawing us closer together because I did not know she had this freakish superstition about horoscopes.

Because I care about information, I think my posts will be mostly informative (as in, if I had drama I would happily share it but since I have none I will give people useful information).

Last summer my mother mentioned - just a few times - that she thought I should give eHarmony a try. Because, yes, I am still totally under my mother's control I succumbed and signed up back in September 2007.

For those of you who are not familiar with eHarmony, they make you take a personality test, whose credibility I keep questioning because they labeled me as an extrovert. You are sent pictures and profiles of men that are supposed to match you and then their system provides "guided communication" to help you filter and figure out if your values are a match. Their matching system sent me various men, most of which lived in Utah. None particularly caught my eye other than this adorably geeky looking guy in Idaho who discontinued our beginning online communications because he found someone real to date.

Some of these men were disturbing, like the man who talked about how all he wanted was to fall asleep in the arms of the beautiful woman he passionately loves every night. Sorry, but her arms? Isn't it supposed to work the other way, or is that just gender bias? Others were simply no good, like the guy who asked if I liked to be crazy and spontaneous and do dangerous things, or if I was more the type who thinks people who deliberately put themselves into dangerous situations are stupid. I took option B, and so it ended.

The breaking point came when in one week they sent me the profiles of:

• A man 7 inches shorter than me. I happen to be tall, and I refuse to provide a Mutt-and-Jeff visual joke for the public for the rest of my life.
• A man with 7 kids living with his ex-wife down the street who clearly wasn't making enough money to support everyone involved, based on his job, so - no. I am not marrying someone to provide him with the financial resources to support his kids and ex-wife in their house down the street.
• A man who said that the last book he read was Henry James' "Washington Square". He said after he finished it he was up all night crying about it. Enough said.
• One that looked normal, except that he's Finnish and living in Finland. But I got his "can't stands/ must haves" and he mentioned in three places that he cares about how his wife looks - she cannot be overweight. So then I realized he is really just a lightweight that somehow got past my radar. Plus he said he can't be with someone who worries, and we all know I am a worrier, so that one was a no-go too.

Conclusions about eHarmony? No good for LDS people. They said they are filtering for compatability, but I think they matched me up with every LDS guy in their system (because we match on no drinking, no smoking, no sex, no gambling....). I say that I am looking for just some nice guy that's active in the church but when you get someone who says he's an actor slash massage therapist living in L.A., you know you have to run the other way. You didn't stay single all these years just to wind up playing nursemaid, did you? ....Well, I didn't.

In another post I'll give my review of ldslinkup (I need time to compose just the right descriptive terms), but I'll give you the spoiler here: I think that the General Authorities are right and we should be looking in our wards and stakes. Of course, my stake at the time had no single men between 30 and 40, but that's another post too.

The One and Only

Is this theory/fantasy one that is healthy in which to believe? I have believed in it all my life but now I am wondering if it has served me well. I do believe in a God and I do believe He is a God of order. As a mother, I have felt many times that my son, Charlie was supposed to come to me...that I was supposed to learn from him lessons that I could not learn elsewhere. I have heard other parents echo similar sentiments. It doesn't take a genius to realize how messed up the whole order could become then when one individual marries the wrong person. So it can't work that way. There are too many holes in the logic. That stubborn belief (which I am beginning to resent) combined with my love/hate relationship with horoscopes have both contributed to my status as single woman...on the way to becoming spinster/old maid. Regardless of how giddy I have been about a new crush, when I learn that his birthday makes us incompatible, my feelings are drastically affected and I am unable to resurrect the excitement I once felt. That is crazy! But perhaps these are just excuses. Perhaps they serve me as a good cover-up so I won’t have to acknowledge the real issue…fear. I look at married couples in wonder and awe. How do they do it? How do they not get flustered or offended or hurt or bugged or angry or jealous or turned-off to the point that they just walk away, deciding that it is easier to be alone? I do not understand. The other element of fear comes when one realizes the degree to which the person you marry will shape your life. In large part, that one decision, if made in a committed way…for life…will determine the friends you have, the relationships you maintain with your family and his, your children, their appearance, the number of them and the attitudes they develop about life and love relationships, your financial situation, the activities you end up pursuing, your travel opportunities…the list goes on and on. All of these things will determine the experiences you have which will help shape your view of the world and life and love. Of course the person you marry does not determine your perspective of all of the above nor will he decide or force your reaction to anything that happens. Your life is still your own. But, it seems to me, in an effort to ensure that all individuals affected by the choice of marriage have the best possible chance to find joy and happiness in this life, the one decision of whom it will be…this husband to whom you will attach…is huge. I think it is because I do see it as such…as a union…a true meshing of two people. I don’t believe it is something to be endured or slogged through but something to relish and enjoy and celebrate. Therefore it is easy to be so nervous about the decision. There is too much unknown!

I always thought myself to be a risk-taker. In high school, after watching “Ski School, “ my friends and I, when we would snowboard would adopt the motto, “Live life…taste death.” That became my desire…to really live on the edge…in every way. But I don’t…I am a wimp. Engaged three times? Bailing out at the last minute? “W” “I” “M” “P” As tough as I have always liked to believe I was, I am not. I am unable to take the risk that I say that I really want…marriage. I think it is a gamble not only on another person but also on yourself…that you will be the kind of spouse and mother and partner and friend and confident that you want to believe that you are. Of what am I most afraid? I want to get to the bottom of it. I want to take this risk that I know will lead me to more fulfillment and joy.

The man with the sexy hands.

I am at Peter’s T-ball practice, watching from the sidelines. Today, he comes to practice with more confidence than ever before.

On Sunday night, Drew…the only single man in our family ward …called me. His voice message made me laugh. Drew moved in a couple of months ago. I immediately noticed him. It was difficult not to. He is handsome and tall…big…big hands…oooh la la. My thoughts haven’t always been so pure when thinking of those hands. I know! This is bad! He is in my ward! After asking just the right people in the ward, I learned that he had recently gone through a divorce. I surmised that it must have been a long marriage because he was noticeably scared of me...nervous around me. At first I let it alone. But it seemed to be getting worse with time. I began to try and put myself in places where I thought he might pass. When I would see him, I would try to talk with him, knowing that I made him so nervous. He didn’t physically run away on my approach, but if he could have without a scene, I am sure he would have. I have even been so cruel as to snicker to myself about it on occasion…and I purposely try to find things to ask him…just to watch him squirm!

On Sunday, I made a bold move. I went to choir practice…where I knew he would be. Anyone that knows me well understands what a calculated move this was. I grew up in an extremely musical family. Although I enjoyed singing, I carried with me the label of “non-singer,” because the other more talented labels had been snagged up long ago. However, I have been in choirs before and I know of my option to just open my mouth and let little or no sound emerge. So I went…to see what I could see. The conductor and everyone else present made a big deal about my arrival…I felt almost dishonest about it. They were so excited because they assumed my excitement about being in the choir…but I really didn’t feel such excitement. I just thought it a good move to increase Drew’s comfort level around me…give him more common ground to discuss. I am devious. Choir went well…and I did exercise my option. As we practiced these difficult songs, I learned with shock that our conductor had an amazing ear and could hear individual voices amidst a group of singing chords! I exercised my option. Instead of talking to Drew after choir practice, I made a quiet exit.

Later that night, I received his voice message, “Katie, because you are the Ward Single Adult Rep, I wondered if there were any single adult activities this week.” As I mentioned earlier, the message made me smile. I had invited Drew to a couple of different single activities before. He was definitely not interested in attending any of the sort. He would reply, “I don’t plan on staying single so I am not interested in going to those single activities.” The conversations were always awkward.

I called Drew back on Monday morning…during a break from work. The conversation was good…funny. Genuinely funny. We were both enjoying it, in spite of our mutual and obvious nervousness. I told him of my plan to talk with each of the single adults in the ward (all of who were women, most of whom were over 60) and find out what each wanted out of a ward singles program. I asked him what he wanted out of a ward singles group. He, with darling honesty, admitted that he hadn't called to find out about the activities... he just wanted an opportunity to talk to me.

I invited Drew to come to family home evening with me and Peter that night. Seemingly excited, he quickly asked, “What time?” I asked him to do the lesson and then we planned to meet at a park where we would play baseball. I picked Peter up from art class at 4:30. As he finished his homework, I whipped out a batch of chocolate chip cookies….for the f.h.e. treat, you know? I hoped that it was true…the old saying, that the key to a man’s heart is his stomach. Noah and I headed out to meet Drew at 7:00. On the drive over, he called. It was getting dark and he was worried that we wouldn’t be able to see well enough to play. He suggested meeting at a nearby batting cage. Brilliant! The batting cages had a t-ball cage. For the half-hour we had the cage, Drew, with those sexy hands, worked with Peter, helping him improve his swing. He was encouraging, supportive, complimentary…so incredible! Petey was on fire! He was so happy and so confident. Drew was amazing. Seemingly uninterested with what I thought and completely unaware of himself, he was interested solely in Peter and helping him improve his skills. I was pretty smitten. It was a great night.

Latter-day Sublimate

My name is Claire. I am 34 years old and single. All else aside, there is nothing startling or strange about these facts. However, as a member of the Mormon Church, these facts set me apart from everything that is normal and good and desired. If you had been raised in a community like mine, the combination of "34-year old woman" and "single" would undoubtedly raise even your eyebrows. "What is wrong with her?" "Why is she single?" "What is her story?"

I have, in some unexpected ways, taken the road less travelled....and I do have a story. As one travelling through uncharted territory, too proud to ask for directions, finds himself (no assumptions...i just had to pick one) lost and disoriented, my destination of "over 30 and single" has not been my proclaimed pursuit. Nonetheless, I find myself here certainly because of my choices, however unconscious they may have been.

Despite my separateness, I find myself feeling a part...everywhere. As I let my humanity connect me to those around me...perhaps by exposing it...almost scandalously, my days are filled with laughter...at my situations, my interactions, my son, and most often...myself.

I do believe, especially on the days that I am blessed with hysteria about my life, that laughter is good for the soul...and great for the body.